love/hate relationship: being single

When so many of your peers around you are getting married or into serious relationships, you can’t help but wonder when your time is coming.

Slowly, one by one, my lovely girlfriends started to meet boys that became ‘the one’ for them. 'The 'one’ that we all believe will complete us, ‘the one’ that will take care of us, and ‘the one’ that will make all things in this life a billion times better.

Having never been in a serious or real relationship with a guy, I can fully attest to this love/hate relationship that many of us may have with singleness. It’s all I know. And hey, it’s not because I couldn’t be with someone. I’ve been pursued while I also pursued different guys I’d meet. For some reason, no matter how much I tried to be in a relationship, I could never make the decision to commit. In my 25 years, I haven't met anyone worthy enough to give my heart or body to. I was lucky enough to have been protected in this way.

Though I was protected and have been single my entire life, I couldn't embrace it-  it was never something I’d boast about. Singleness was a time of my life that I deal with. I longed to be with somebody. I've spent my single life attempting to figure out HOW to not be single. I observed those around me getting into relationships and tried to figure out what I needed  to change about myself. I saw the kind, naturally beautiful, subtly funny and pure girls getting married early, so I figured that my singleness was a result of who I was. I thought I had to fit the Christian girl prototype. I would hear guys talk about the kind of girls they wanted to marry and I always felt inadequate. This inadequacy left me with feeling like I had a list of problems I need to fix.

Rather than appreciating my single status as a precious period of my life that I’ll never have again, I used it to try to become the girl I thought guys wanted. I had to eliminate every problem I found within myself.  I lived under the pressure of comparing myself to all girls and I found myself in constant competition with them. Secretly, I judged them from head to toe, heart to soul and I did whatever I could to make sure I was better than them . This proved to be unsuccessful. Not only did I lose myself but I felt isolated from everyone I knew.

Then it hit me. I needed to be myself. I needed to be exactly the way God made me and realize that I am not a mistake. I want to be with a guy who will love me for all that I am and not someone I tried to be. If a guy liked my façade and my mask, then I’d be stuck in a false relationship. I'd never be able to feel his love. It would be unreal. I would have to spend the rest of my life trying to be someone that I wasn’t.

I’m discovering my true identity. I am a beloved and beautiful daughter of Christ. I was uniquely made for greater purposes that I have yet to discover. I won’t, and don’t have to be anyone but me. The man I will meet will see me and fall in love with the real me-all of me. My tattooed, scarred, broken body. My quiet, but outspoken personality. My doubts, fears, questions and faith.

In this time of singleness, I’m walking in confidence of who I am without the pressure to impress anybody out there. Knowing that I am loved and fully accepted by my Father above sets me at ease. It isn’t my responsibility to meet the non-negotiables on some guy’s list. I was not placed on this earth to strive to meet the requirements of the different guys I meet.

The man I meet will not expect me to be something, but will just let me be.   My purpose, as a single woman, is to simply enjoy this invaluable time of my life. As I walk out in the truth of who I am, I know I’m being prepared for whatever  is to come, whether it is a few more years of being single or meeting ‘the one’ that I can give my true self to. 

I just want to thank Hannah for guest posting today. I'm actually shooting a wedding today and thought it would be fitting to remind ourselves that singleness is the gift we all get before marriage. Enjoy it while you can.
—A 


Catch more of miss Hannah Yoon on her blog hannahgram

p.s. my summer lookbook for Ouna's Closet has been released here.