a love song

It dawned on me that I haven't shared much about my wedding day over here! Oopsies! Shame on me!

Louis and I have been married for 5 months now! I still have random outbursts of "OHmyGOSH I'M MARRIED!" but its all good. I love being married to Louis, I really do. We're both in a pursuit of Love while at the same time loving each other. We've grown so much in just a few months, I can't imagine what we will be like next March! One of my bridesmaids, Ashley, who I've mentioned in the past here on the blog, wrote a song for our wedding day inspired by my relationship with Louis. I had told her on many occasions that if I ever got married, I would want her to sing a love song. She was one of the close people in my life to witness how a friend became a boyfriend, then fiancé, then husband/lover. She kept the song a secret until she performed it and I couldn't hold back the tears. She was there from the beginning at it meant a lot that she composed this in the secret place. One of our favorite gifts from God on our wedding day for sure!

personal: bridal shower

words fail

 “Photography is the story I fail to put into words.” - Destin Sparks

model: Suzette Quirós

sky high encounter

I've been meaning to write this for a while.
What I'm about to share is something very intimate but I've felt the freedom to share.

In Jan 15th, I came home from visiting my fiancé over the holidays. I didn't know what my future held, except that God was asking me to not go back to school for spring semester.

a watch in the night

Being 21 is has become part of my past. As of today, I am officially another year older.

For the record, I haven't felt older since my 18th birthday, probably due to the fact that I still look like I'm 18. Just the other day I was looking for a dress for my rehearsal dinner and the sales associate thought I was the model who was scheduled to go in for a fitting. She could hardly believe I was getting married.

The Bridal Party

I'm excited to share a few things from my wedding planning process.
When I picked out my bridal party, I knew I wanted to do something special so,
together with Louis, we crafted the perfect little way to ask them to be in my bridal party!

All I did was buy some ring pops (my way of proposing), decorated boxes for them
& design the proposal cards using the invitation design. Easy, personalized & unique.

The girls are very special to me and have been involved in my relationship with Louis very closely.
It was tough narrowing it down to just 5 but it's ideal for our ceremony.
My maid of honor has been my best friend since 6th grade & I could not have asked for someone better by my side.
Thank you all for saying "Yes!!!" and wanting to support us as we become one.

Always Christmas, never winter.

Christmas weekend was lovely.
 I made new friends & fell more in love with you.

"To love another is to see the face of God." —Les Miserables 

 with you it's always Christmas, never winter.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays

I can't believe it's Christmas already and the year 2012 is about to come to an end!

I'm grateful to be celebrating this season with my loved ones & I am believing for bigger things in 2013.

Material things fade in comparison to family & the story of Jesus.

I hope the best for you today and the days to come.

May joy abound!

Merry Christmas & a Happy 2013,
a pretty lady & her handsome guy.

L+A // 2 year anniversary

first time L visited PR
Well, we made it to two years... the fact that he asked me out for the first time back in 2010 still gives me butterflies. The waiting was worth it and we're still not done "waiting".
Thanks for 2 years of putting up with the good, the bad & everything in between.

It's December 1st!

December marks the end of many things for me;
The end of the year, various trials & school.
It also marks the end of a waiting period to see my guy, you bet I'm excited!
It's going to be an intense month, since I'll be traveling the next couple of weeks.
The guy & I are going to Passion 2013! (anyone else going?)
Also—starting this Dec 5th, I will be sharing some happy people & things every Wednesday of this month!

Anyways, here's some things I did recently:

spending time with some good friends after thanksgiving!

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I also saw Perks of Being a Wallflower—which was great by the way—with this lady:

It's always a real treat when I get to spend time with this chic! She came down for Thanksgiving & I got to see her for three days straight! She shares my love for art, finding cool places in PR and has an eyes for beauty. I've blogged about her before & have photographed her countless times. She's an artist,  and an inspiration, from the things she wears to the things she makes. She's graduating next year from FIT & specializing herself in Knitwear. She's also engaged! I'm grateful for your friendship & being a part of your life amidst the distance.

I'm also wrapping up my classes!!

This painting was part of my presentation for one of my Psychology classes. 

I had to pick a movie to analyze from a theoretic standpoint. 

I did it based on Edward Scissorhands & a Social Psychology theory that explains how this movie is a satire that exposes the suburbs society as uniformed, corrupt & unable to cope with a creative individual who cannot conform to them. I explained how the first scene of the movie is a metaphor of Little Red Riding Hood, emphasizing Tim Burton's main point. 

Burton's contrast of a horror story & a fairytale also highlight what Burton shows of our American society.

Anyways, I wanted to add a visual element to the presentation based on the film and I painted this.

The reason why I'm hyping about it so much is because it's my first portrait painting & I did it in two days. TWO DAYS. Have you seen the size of this canvas? Yeah. The professor ended up keeping it and was really humbled about it.

And, I just can't help it! This movie screams Christmas for me, how could I not pick it?

I'm also getting my crochet on.
Goodbye summer weather & hello winter,
you're my excuse to cuddle L as we walk...
It's nice to finally blend in when I ask for hot cocoa, it's normal in the cold.

What are you excited about December? 

Any special plans or traditions you can't wait to do?

The day my iPhone shattered.

On Sunday night my iPhone's back shattered. It got tangled between my sheets (they're white—it happens) and well, somehow the phone landed on the floor, shattering it's back.

The distance from my bed to the floor is not much, so I'm not sure how it cracked... but it did this time.

I was tempted to cry for one second because of course the iPhone is not cheap and repairs tend to be pricey, but most of me was so relieved....actually, I was happy. For some odd reason, my phone wouldn't turn on, even if the back was the only thing shattered. I thought for sure it would still work regardless of a shattered exterior. No quite.

"Well God, I need you to wake me up tomorrow morning because my phone was my alarm."—I said at 2am (when I needed to wake up at 6am).

He did. At 6am sharp.

When I got stuck in my school's parking because the parking thing wouldn't let me in (the thing gives you a number to call if that sort of thing happens), it just so happens that the parking manager was only a few feet away from my car. Another God thing.

When my second class was going to start, and I had no idea because I didn't have my phone to tell me time, someone who had the time kindly stayed with me until it was time for my class.

When I was meeting with someone but had no idea is she would be on her way or if she had left already, God quieted my soul & assured me she would be there.

When I almost had a car accident today (not my fault by the way), I saw God protect me in a way where I literally felt I had cheated death.

God was there for all of it.

And as I was walking to class, I felt God tell me to write about what I learned from having a shattered phone.

I learned to be present & aware.

I learned patience.

I learned to wear a watch.

I learned that I trust God more than I give myself credit for.

I learned to not stress when faced with challenges.

I learned that God takes care of me always.

I learned that I don't like when people can reach me at the push of a button or a sent text.

I learned that I don't need google as much as I thought I did. Or instagram.

I learned to appreciate the moment without capturing it & sharing it with the world.

I learned that people who want to reach me will make the effort to.

I learned that even when I can't talk to anyone, I can always speak to God.

I learned that I had made my phone an idol and I was serving it instead of the other way around.

I learned that God allowed my phone to be shattered so He could shatter my dependency on my phone.

I was fretting because I felt like God had stopped speaking to me and I had asked God to make me aware of Him and He answered my prayer. But in reality, I had let my iPhone take away from my awareness of God. He was always there and I wasn't paying attention (even though I thought I did). The easy access to answers, reaching people & nonstop entertainment had led me away from seeking God first & depending on Him. I was depending on my phone! How pathetic can I be? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the iPhone is evil (although the working conditions of those who manufacture it are highly unethical) but we must be careful to make it more valuable over people & God.

When I got home, I started writing this blog. Then the Lord told me to turn on my phone .

Lo & behold, my iPhone works! Trust me, I tried reviving that thing as soon as it was smashed and it was all in vain! It felt like when Jesus tells the fisherman to cast the nets on one side after they've been sitting there the whole day. I casted my net & knew God was behind this. I just had to laugh!

I don't need an iPhone, I need God. Today was the day my idol shattered.

The Fear

© Mariam Sitchivana

Well, here I am again.
Today I'm gonna talk to you about a recent struggle: fear.
You may or may not know that this blog is based on this verse:

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25

I smile, I write—that's how it's supposed to go—or that's what the Lord had spoken at the beginning of my journaling/blogging journey.
That wasn't the case this week. But because God loves me so much, He wants to deal with me. He can't leave me where I am: fearing.

So what is fear anyways?

According to the dictionary

Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid; concern or anxiety (via)

According to the Word of God

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."—2 Timothy 1:7

In other translations, they use the word cowardice & timidity to define fear in this verse, so that's the definition I believe that the context of this particular passage gives. Of course there are other fears the Bible talks about (fear of the Lord, etc..) that have other definitions, so please note that I'm emphasizing the fear defined above.

Context: [if you know this already, feel free to skip it] Paul writes 2 Timothy as a final exhortation letter to Timothy. His death is imminent although the timing uncertain. This letter is very personal. Paul calls Timothy to continue the fight of faith & faithfulness (Paul mentions being abandoned by others in his time of need). It's crazy that Paul is about to be executed & he writes an encouragement letter to Timothy. Umm, shouldn't it be the other way around? Paul is about to die! But it's precisely Paul's testimony that points Timothy in the right direction: what he calls Timothy to do, he himself has done already. I don't know about you but, knowing that Paul had fears too makes me feel a lot better about myself.

Fears. I've been worrying, fearing & making scenarios in my mind of "what ifs". Anxiety overload shut me down emotionally. It kept me depressed—I didn't get out of bed for TWO days! I was seeking God still but I knew He wanted to reveal the root of my fears.

"Fear paralyses us. It can keep us from all that God has in store for us. If you're afraid you don't know the character of the One whose hand is holding you. Fear kept the Israelites from Canaan. Fear is the opposite of faith; it is a sin. God wants to free you from fear."
—Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It all became clear to me after reading those words: God was asking me to let go of my expectations. I had listened to the lies the enemy fed me. The worst was realizing that they came from me. I was idolizing my expectations over God's plans for my life. I didn't want to be engaged at 21; I wanted to have my degree by 23; I wanted to get married after having that degree; I don't even want to have a wedding in the middle of the semester. I had pictured my life going a certain direction and it dawned to me that it was not what God had in mind. I was serving my expectations and that's where my fear came from. It was all about what I wanted not about what the Lord wanted.

In order to live the life God has for me I have to stop living in the confinements of fear. I must let go of the expectations everyone has for me, including my own. I serve God, not me (or anyone else for that matter). I desire to go to Canaan, to my spiritual promised land.
Yet, more than going to the promised land, I want to obey the Lord.

If you find yourself struggling with fear, your expectations or maybe the expectations someone else has for you, I encourage you to read Isaiah 55 in your time with the Lord. His kindness in this passage will calm your anxious heart.

"...you are disobedient, you are trying to keep some part of your life under your own control. That is what is preventing you from listening to Christ and believing in His grace. You cannot hear Christ because you're willfully disobedient. Somewhere in your heart you are refusing to listen to his call. Your difficulty is your sin."
—Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The call for you is to come to Him. Give Him your worries, your fear, your sin.
That is the invitation of Isaiah 55: let go and let God.

(This song is a metaphor of what fear does: you spend all this time worrying, growing apathetic, when you could stop worrying & start living the life you deserve: a life free from the bondage of fear.)

oh, to be grateful

Oh, my heart: be still. 

A new journal is about to start being written. The last entry from the last journal consisted on my engagement story. It marked the end of a season—a hard one—and the beginning of a new one.

Sometimes I cry of sadness, other times I can't contain my joy.

I continue to strive to be faithful with the little God has given me, so I'll be able to be faithful with the big things He will give me; marriage.

I still can't believe I'm engaged, called to this amazing man who's shown me what humility & grace really mean. He has been the display of what I'm often not but should be. He's been a reflection of God in many ways.
By no means are we perfect—we are both very passionate in our agreements and disagreements.
Yet, somehow we glorify God better together than apart.

The road ahead is unknown to me and I rest on the truth that God knows.
He knows where I'm headed, who I will become & where I shall serve Him the most. In fact, He planned it this way.
Changes are inevitable; ready or not here they come.
"Largo camino me resta..."
—Selah—

I'm just grateful that God is faithful, even when I'm not.

By the way, have you seen my post for Darling Companion this week?

I'm engaged

I'm wearing: Polka dot skirt & dangling earrings from Forever 21 - Mustard heels from Payless - Denim shirt from Walmart

I've been staring at the blank spaces here for hours. I don't really know what to say here, other than I just had the most unexpected, surreal & memorable weekend of my life.
Louis, along with my family & best friend(AND THE LORD), pulled a BIG ONE on me. By BIG ONE I'm referring to the fact that they actually surprised. Apparently this was in the works since July.

I had no idea what was about to happen this past weekend. It is so hard to surprise me! I always end up finding out or I see it coming. It doesn't help that I have discernment and the Lord usually tells me about big things in my life. But I would've never thought He would take me on the offer of hiding my own engagement. That was my prayer for a while but then I pulled back and told Him I would want to know. I'm so glad I didn't! I had a feeling God & Louis were hiding something from me and I even mentioned it to Louis back in July. I didn't think it would be engagement. I really didn't.

I'm tricked into picking up someone from the airport on Friday, completely ruining my plans that day. I was in such a bad mood and was lacking a whole lot of grace. I complained and talked to Louis about it on my way to the airport. Then, lo & behold, Louis shows up and my jaw drops (fyi, my "shock" expression is pretty ugly). I begin to tear up a bit while Louis is trying to get me to unlock the door, haha.
"What's going through your mind right now?" —Louis asked
"Oh my gosh I need to change clothes. AND I HOPE YOU'RE NOT PROPOSING!" —me
"haha nah, no one knows I'm here so I don't have to deal with that pressure. Can't I just come down here to just see my lady?"  —Louis

well played, sir, well played. People have asked us about engagement since BEFORE we were dating. People have asked to be invited to our wedding since BEFORE we were dating. Trust me, we've felt the pressure to be engaged because it "was the next level", "the good thing to do". Too bad this isn't about us!

Louis said he wanted to date me that evening, since we can't have dates often. We dressed nice, got pizza (my stomach was in knots for being so surprised I just couldn't eat a decent meal!) &, for the first time ever, went to see a movie together. It was a perfect evening but I was sooooo tired and it was getting late. We tried find a photo booth (we try to get one each year) but it didn't happen. Photo Booths in PR are (we learned) scarce. By midnight we were home. By 12:45am I was engaged. He told me he loved me for the first time and we had our first kiss. 

It didn't happen the way Louis planned but it was perfect for me. He'll be sharing the proposal story soon!

These pictures are from our goodbye at the airport. I miss you so much already and I'm glad we conquered this long-distance thing—against all odds, negative comments & unbelief. God was, is & will be faithful. My faith has been stretched beyond deep waters ever since I said "yes".

I tell you all this because what I really want to share today is about pastor Dan's message this morning at my church. He had just gotten back from a trip the day before after being away for two weeks. According to our church bulletin, the message was titled "God fixes broken people". I was excited to bring Louis to see the church I've been recently attending, so it was so great to have pastor Dan the same Sunday Louis was there.

Pastor Dan tells the congregation:

"God has laid on my heart to talk about marriage today. I'm not sure if only one person has to hear this, but I'm gonna obey the Lord's leading. I'm sorry for this change at such a short notice, especially sorry for the media people. If you're visiting here today, please know I don't do this often."

I was stunned. Louis was taken aback as well. It was such a perfect message! Pastor Dan gave some life principals based on Adam & Eve's "engagement" story if you will, and it was a blessing. It meant the world to me because I felt God interfere in order to let me know He had ordained this engagement to happen the way it did. God is just making my dreams come true, one by one. Things hidden in my heart; things between just Him & I. And He gets all the glory for it. 

Wanna know a little secret? I had one of the worst meltdowns the day before I was engaged! I felt like waiting on God for direction in my life had become eternal. He wouldn't speak with clarity. I was at the end of my rope and I just wanted to give up! Surely I was in the bottom of His priority list. The Lord must've looked at me and said "this whiny little girl doesn't even know what's coming. I'm gonna let her have her tantrum."

In my eyes, I had failed the test of patience. My engagement to Louis is only because of God's grace. I don't deserve it. 

I tell you all this because I don't want it to seem like I'm glamorizing my engagement—we still have a long way to go. This engagement is the blessing of two people who dared to believe in God's promises for their life in the midst of a storm.

Louis was only here for the weekend, and our goodbye was not an easy thing. But I rest assured that my time without him is so short, we'll be together before we know it. I'm gonna be doing life with him soon.

I'm gonna marry my best friend. 

I'm engaged.

Love delivers // Flags

© Carly Hildebrant

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad." (v. 1-2)

You'll be happy to know I'm back to blogging! So much has happened since my last post and the unexpected break was what I needed most. It was just God and I, like it usually is, but man He wrecked me. Reality has left me weary.

Earlier this month I received the news that I friend I grew up with was murdered in the streets. Just a year older than I, the news shook me to the core.
How was this possible? How could this be? Where is our future if their bodies are laying dead on the streets?
The underground world here is very much in the surface. Puerto Rico is like the capital of drugs in America. From here, drugs go to either Latin America or the states, very easily; most crimes go unpunishable. It's a sad reality but it's my reality. People are murdered daily, by the dozen. Whether night or day, shootings, rapes, and thefts are happening a lot. It gets worse though. Many of drug lords are kids, as early as 9 years old. The past 4 years, the majority of funerals have been for those between the ages of 12-25. These were the statistics, and I knew this, but I never thought it would hit so close to home. Someone I saw growing up, who was loved, who lacked nothing & who had a bright future was murdered. I slowly sank into a shocked state. The days after it were sort of a haze but I will remember them for the rest of my life. I didn't know what it was like to lose a child until I heard a mother mourning. I didn't know what it was like to stare at someone as young as myself (and as healthy as I was) in a casket until that bleak Saturday. I didn't know what hopelessness was until I asked God where He was in the midst of it all. I didn't know such a tragedy could scar me, but it did.

The Lord truly messed with my theology, the truth about God revealed, in this situation. 
What do I say to this mother who sacrificed her whole life for this guy? How do I make sense of this guy's wrong decisions? How does this brokenhearted family go on now? But more importantly, how do I find hope for my country?

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." (v.4-5; 8; 10; 14)

I will never forget the loss, the emptiness & the grief to those who loved this guy, myself included.
The trail of broken hearts that wrong decisions lead to is unfathomable to me.

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (v .17-18)

He gave me Psalm 34 to bind the wounds of this experience and I'm finally giving birth to this post. If this post inspires you to pray for my country, bless your soul. Violence, immorality & addictions crave for my generation. We must pray against the plans of the enemy for my people. Also, pray for my protection & opportunities to minister to my peers.  

I pray for the Lord to equip me to be light here & to help spread the seed of the hope that never fails.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (v. 19)

God was near all along. He brought comfort, as much as He could in this present time.
I rest in Him. My heart shall not be troubled, for Love delivers. 

There's so much I left unsaid, yet the words from this song resonate with my silence:

verses from Psalm 34

ranting before September knocks

Yes, it's true, the virtual world can do without me.
School started and routines are setting in.
By the time I'm home, I'm doing everything it takes to be in bed.
Also, haven't had internet for a week now and haven't missed it.
God has put much joy in my heart that life is too carefree for me.
It seems that 2012 is the year my work is published in magazines; at 21, that ain't too bad.
Shooting everyday has been impossible since classes started, but I'm shooting more often than not.
Been on my own for the past two weeks and loved it.
I like doing photography but I love that I don't "love it" as a job; I love people. Photography stems from that, not the other way around.
I can't have goals for myself. I just don't get the importance of achieving them. I'm not less without them.
This blog is not my own—600+ followers since my absence? Yeah, that's God.
I finally purchased a Russian film camera I've been admiring for a time now. I did conquer the Russian technology of the time (brilliant by the way—light metering is manual!) but the camera was faulty. It will be on its way to the Ukraine this weekend. I'm glad I failed though, if that makes sense.
Life is wonderful—but because it's quite the opposite; ugly, sinful, complicated, in desperate need of God.
True peace is when you don't care for encouragement nor critique.


The only constant in my life is that I cannot do without God.

El Verano // 35mm

El verano se fue, y tu también con él.

last words in a while

The overall theme of my life is still love.

I'm in a place where I rather read than write, I rather be silent than speak.

This blog started as a diary, back in the days where I didn't keep a journal & facebook/myspace/twitter/tumblr didn't exist. This was like my secret lair and no one knew me. I just wrote to the air. Somehow, people started stumbling upon this blog and it grew. It was definitely God and not my own doing, for I never intended this blog to be found. It was my hiding place.

Now, I hear constant stories of people that do know me and read my blog. As the stories kept coming, I felt a weight of pressure adding itself. Not the "light" burden Jesus talked about. Before, If I posted 5 times a month that was a lot. Now, I feel the urgency to post many times weekly to satisfy expectations. This is why the Lord has been keeping quiet when I pray for this blog. I made it mine instead of His. I apologize. I've lived on your encouragement & comments; I've yearned for your approval. It cannot be! No more.

This blog is not meant to entertain you; this is actually my life, my story.

I will not live or die on people's opinions about me, about my life.

"He has great tranquility of heart who cares neither for the praises nor the fault-finding of men. He will easily be content and pacified, whose conscience is pure. You are not holier if you are praised, nor the more worthless if you are found fault with. What you are, that you are; neither by word can you be made greater than what you are in the sight of God."

—Thomas a’Kempis

As school approaches, I want to cut back in social media a bit. You'll barely notice it. I won't be completely gone—just my words. You'll probably just see a wordless blog for a bit, with a few quotes here & there from the book I'm reading "The Hiding Place". And if you follow Darling Companion, you'll get to read my words from time to time.

Thank you so much for understanding.

Love always,

me.

p.s. the FAQ is up

Sometimes

I decided to challenge myself to shoot  e v e r y d a y.
In the past, I've started doing the 365 project and failed.
This time I'm starting small & doing it for a month.
August is a good month for new beginnings.
I'm hoping to develop the habit of just having my camera at all times.
But more importantly, I want my picture to be tied with my morning devotions.
I refuse to not see Jesus in the mundane. Sometimes, the mundane teaches us the most about Him.

Love finds.

Love finds you when no one else is looking for you.